fierce.

my new loves. 

LA girl in MD.

My decision to have no choice:

So, this is my declaration to all that can see this…but mostly to myself, that I decide to have no choice. 

I decide to have no choice in bettering myself. I decide to have no choice in faulting on my health. I decide to have no choice in the matter of becoming greater. Before I get too emotional, I will quickly list the things I will do.

I will find a fun routine in exercise that I look forward to, I will change my hair style/color and maintain it, I will make an effort everyday to look presentable, I will step up my attire and maintain my aesthetics, I will save money every single month, I will take my vitamins and stick to my regimen, I will spend more time with my family, and more time with my friends. I will still be selfless when it comes to those that matter to me the most. I will love unconditionally to all and be open and receptive to new ideas. I will rid of all the noise in my life, no matter how uncomfortable and vulnerable I feel. I will travel as much as possible, and mostly, listen to my INTUITION.

why?…. because I HAVE NO CHOICE.

I’m fading fast.

I feel like I was thrown back into time, like it’s the end of 2008…where I drowned myself until I woke up in 2009. I feel alone. I feel small. I feel worthless. Except, I know I am not. Mindfuck. I feel busy, but I am not doing anything, really. I have a few amazing friends… but I cannot turn to anyone. Each person has their own stuff they are dealing with, or avoiding. I look in the mirror, and all I see is less than what I should be. All I feel is disgust. My smile isn’t the same as it used to be. How does that change? My face is young and undeveloped, but I feel like I look old and weathered. My chest feels heavy, it’s hard to breathe. I look around me, and I see other people running their lives, as mine passes me by. I yearn for the day when one of my friends grabs me and holds me tight, and makes me feel like it’s ok to cry. I wish I did not feel like I had to hold it in, or be strong. I wish sometimes I didn’t have to be sarcastic or funny to say how I really feel because it’s uncomfortable. Some people look to me for strength, or guidance….and when I look, I see nobody. I want to get away for a bit, but I don’t want to leave. I want to be a good friend to people, but I feel like I have nothing to offer. I get excited that the week passes by and it feels like only a day or two…that means I’m getting closer…to what? I’m not sure. If I say this out loud, one of two things will happen: they will think I am being dramatic and shut me down, or they will worry about me. I feel like if I show any glimpse of weakness, it discredits me and ultimately damages whatever reputation I have with people. My frustration and emotions overflow out of my eyes….and are quickly suppressed by fear…..(4 minute break) I just got a text message from someone I rarely speak to….it was a prayer. That DID fill me up… I so needed that. Still, although I feel a hair better…it remains.

Imagine being surrounded by so many people who are in their own world. They move through their day, and the only time they connect with you, is when YOU reach out…and the only time THEY reach out, is for their benefit. The worst part is, only YOU notice. You notice the void. You notice that they don’t notice even themselves. You can see that they are really worried about themselves only, and are not listening, but preparing what they are going to say next. And you see it. You know this pattern so well, throughout your entire life, you can calculate exactly what will happen next. I just predicted the last 3 things that happened to me in the last 35 minutes. I knew exactly how the series of events were to go, and so they did. Not psychic, just aware. And I pretend I am amused, and smile and wave and respond at the right time and shut up for the right amount of seconds and go along with it as though life is coming at me for the first time….except, that is not how I feel. I feel like I’ve played this game before, even worse….I feel like I created the game. 

It’s all good, because at least I’m fading fast.

detach.

i think it’s time to detach myself to all that i grasp so tightly. i can only do so much, and people will only allow so much. maybe i should focus on being the person i want to be. maybe that will help others more than this broken down, spread thin, anxiety ridden person i feel i am. i think i need a retreat.

#wannagetaway?

Thank you to my boo, my soulmate, my sister from another mister… thank you for your words and your friendship. I love you more than you’ll ever know. You’ve opened my eyes to a whole new world, one that I thank God for everyday. You truly are singualar. Nobody has impacted me the way you have, and transferred a sense of Peace to my life. I love you!!! #HADOUKEN